The Portugal Papers

Today’s post may be unsuitable for vegetarians. You’ve been warned.

So I just received my grocery order. It’s easier and cheaper to order staples online for delivery, and use the markets for produce and bread. The first thing I noticed was that I thought I’d ordered three plums, but in fact, received three packages of plums. Hmmm, OK. Looks like I’m making another plum torte this week.

I continue unpacking. I’ve ordered two whole chickens for the first time; one for a roast chicken dinner tonight, one to make stock for chicken soup later this week. 

I freeze. I dissociate. I quietly put the chickens in the fridge. Lisa comes into the kitchen for water. 

Lisa: “Why does your face look like that?”

Me: (whispers) The chickens have heads.

OK kids, I am not prepared for this. I know chickens have heads, but, but…I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

The following statements, in no particular order, were made in my house during the next hour or so. Note: Statements in italics were made by my wife.

• OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
• I can’t behead a chicken!!
• “Google how to do it.”
• Step 1 says verify death first!! (It really did. Screenshot below.)
• I am a city girl! I was not made for this! 
• I have completely sweat through my clothes. 
• “We will put a handkerchief over its head before you start.” 😳
• Will you do it?? I have gloves. 
• “It will be fine. We will have some wine first.”
• This was a bad grocery order. I have 45 plums and the chickens have heads!
• We are now vegetarians! Go veggies!
• *retching noises*
• “Frank is getting worried about you.”
• Lisa, texting me from the other room: “We should name him João in honor of Portugal.”
• Another text: Did you know that João means “God is gracious”?
• OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Stay tuned…

Two hours later……Lisa has posted the following to the Facebook expats group:

Judge all you want. We are having grilled cheese for dinner tonight.